Woman’s Passions

Many inexperienced people think marring a vacation is as easy as a pie – but this is not true, quite often even crying light-mindedness and extraordinary naivete lead not to a radical season’s spoilage, but only to small and transient troubles. So, you should not take its course: only after you master collective experience set forth below, you will spend absolutely unforgettable weeks.

Well, you’ve made up your mind to change the atmosphere and go to a resort or for a trip. It is better to go to absolutely unknown places (ideally, unknown not only for you, but also for your company). You already know all merits and demerits of known places, so, your chances to mar a vacation reduce significantly. On no account gather information about your future place of vacation: you don’t care about traffic to take you to a hotel, alcohol consumption permission, the fact this place is considered most dangerous on our planet! Surprises and unexpectedness are the best friends of a tourist. As travel managers seldom tell client about smallest details of impending vacation, you do not face the prospect of superfluous information.

By the way, some words about travel agencies. If you’ve never been abroad, have no foreign passport and speak no foreign language, it is better for you to stand without them. If you are lucky, only the process of passport receipt will last until autumn, and you will be expecting during whole vacation. If you decided using travel agency’s services, on no account apply for professionals with good reputation and experience on market. An unknown company, offering super tours at a leerily low price, with an office situated in a hotel suit – here is the best variant for you. On no account require license and ask unnecessary questions – remember granny’s words: you need to trust people! And even if this agency disappears with all your money in a week, do not think badly about its owners: probably, they were just kidnapped by aliens!

However, sometimes such dubious agency can really arrange your trip. You should definitely celebrate this joyous event: if manager tells you are going to leave on Monday morning, you should arrange a farewell party for your friends on Sunday evening. If you allot alcohol the right way, then you will not have to go anywhere: dead drunk sleeping citizens cannot move.

If you do not drink alcohol, it doesn’t matter: you just should miss a bus. By the way, on no account pack luggage beforehand: you are not a bore! You should pack at the last moment listening your wife’s nervous shouts: then you have a good chance to forget something. For example, passport.

If you are already in a bus or plane, then, most likely, you will get to your destination point. But if you try hard, there will be variants. Firstly get sizzled at airline’s expense and force your way to flight deck. Probably, this will lead to crash landing in the nearest airport, where you will be handed over in police’s caring hands.

Successful completion of a trip means you will have to mar your vacation right on the spot. Here everything depends on the kind of rest you’ve chosen: beach-resort one or active hike. The first one envisages stay on a beach – well, do not leave it at all! Spend the whole first day under baking sun beams from dusk till down, do not use any sun protectors. If you are really lucky, then you will be covered with blisters by the night, have high temperature as a result of sunburn. There is no sun, weather is bad and sea is cold? Quick march swimming! You are not some milksop to be afraid of cold water! Swim longer, for about 1,5 hour, and then eat two ice-cream portions. Have a good quinsy. Are you a winter-swimmer? Cold water is like fresh milk for you? Well, what about high waves? Look, what a wonderful storm is outlined: here is a cause for you to learn about decuman wave by yourself. It’s no exception you will not only meet Poseidon’s anger, but also get rid of all worldly troubles for ever.

As a rule, active tourists sunburn little, but move a lot, what opens gripping outlooks for women: you should wear high-heels and then your whole vacation will turn into sheer torment. But your possibilities are not limited by shoes. When you turn to be in an unknown city, on no account follow well-trodden routes like “main square – famous museum – Queen’s Palace – art gallery”. Chances to have some accident in these places approach zero.  You should walk around shady blocks, which even local police tries to avoid, do it not in the afternoon, but lately in the evening, better drunk. Only there you will feel a real pulse of Paris (London, Amsterdam, Bombay, Rio de Janeiro etc.).

Even if you do not speak local language, do not refuse from communication with aborigines. Here is a girl with bright make-up wearing short skirt, she understood you are a foreigner and waves to you. You should not miss such exciting adventure. You don’t care there are few lamps outside and establishment is rather doubtful. They will not kill you, anyway; just beat and rob. If you see a really doubtful establishment, do not miss a chance to meet a real life of city’s scums. Do not even try resembling a local inhabitant, speak loudly your language and constantly demonstrate your money to people.

Always eat what you are offered. Otherwise you will offend people. It is especially roughly refusing from drugs – even of you’ve never tried them before. Never wash fruits and vegetables you bought on the market – they are so clean by sight. If a porter tells you unnecessary information about demonstration on a main street, go there immediately. In case of armed conflict, do not hasten to leave the place of events – you risk to miss most interesting: explosions, arsons, tear-gas poisoning, baton.

Days and weeks of “sweet idleness” fly quick, and here you should pack your luggage again. If you can do it by yourself, do not ignore your new friends’ innocent requests and add an unnoticeable parcel or small box to your luggage. Do not open the parcel – you are a well-bred person; besides, customs official will do it for you. And if you see white powder pouring from double bottom, smile – this means your efforts are not useless. You’ve marred this vacation radically and hopelessly, however – you will have long years of public rest in future.