“I’ve got a boyfriend. I cannot understand what he wants from our relationships. When I’m with him, everything is ok, but when I’m not with him, I feel we are just strangers for each other

“He does not call me. We date only when he wants it, he doesn’t care about my opinion. He also doesn’t want to talk about break-up. What can I do to make our relationships better? Shall I let him go or try to keep?”

How to arouse interest in your partner? How to make him thinking only about you? Many women and men are interested in this question.

He is always desired, he knows how to be necessary, he is inaccessible for you still. Sometimes he shows interest towards you and pays you a part of his attention. But only a part: he also has lots of other pleasant and useful businesses. And friends (of both sexes). And he is the only one for you. That’s why you depend on him.

Imagine: you came to a vegetable market. You need tomatoes. How many people sell tomatoes on this market? Lots. Well, at least 2-4 sellers. And you are choosing these tomatoes, and, of course, will buy the best ones at equivalent price. And sellers will hardly inflate prices, you know, there’re so many competitors around.

Well, if your city has only one vegetable market and only one seller of tomatoes, then, most likely, you have no way out - he marks up, and you still have to buy. That’s why you appreciate this supplier so much - he’s the only one! And this is his power over you.

During communication (like in commerce) people exchange necessary resources (good mood, sex, a bundle of banknotes, assistance, self-reliance etc.). People communicate to receive necessary recourses, giving their own ones instead. But, besides people, there’re also other suppliers - books, work, hobby, sport etc. Not all resources are available, but, as a rule, we try to choose the best ones we can afford ourselves.

I.e. quality of resources we use depends on our purse. In this case we and our value for other people represent a purse. If our market has several suppliers of analogous resources, we can bargain, and even buy goods of same quality, but cheaper. We do not worry, as we always know - if one supplier inflated price, we always can buy goods from other one. And suppliers know about it, that’s why they behave well.

Well, what’s happening? HE has more resources (that’s why you are interested in him). He, in his turn, has many suppliers, he has a choice, so he chooses??¦ the best. But a number of sources is always available, and availability of some sources is questionable. And such case may never happen again??

That’s why you accept all conditions he offers you - may be this is your last chance? However, if you agree with all these terms, you lose your scarcity automatically.

What to do?

First of all you should determine which resources he supplies for you. Why do you need these resources? Where else can you receive these resources? Find at least three sources. These can be not only other people, but also you.

Plan alternative variants of your future development: what will you do, where will you search for necessary resources in case of refusal or your unique supplier advance?

For example, he takes care about you, entertains you, you feel merry and interesting with him and bored without him. How else can you entertain yourself and have fun? Do something interesting, for example, with your friends, even on your own - reading a book, learning Japanese, gambling, going in for sport, dancing, writing poems etc.

If you find other way to entertain yourself, you will treat “refusal to exchange goods” more calmly. And when you have a choice, there is no sadness, disappointment - there’s only a replacement of one interest by other. Now you don’t have to importune and ask for discounts - your purse enlarged, now you became a bearer of resources. Now you are on equal terms with him.

What do you need to make him choosing you?

Originality of resources supplied. What can he receive from you? What’s your difference from others? Dig up your talents and dreams urgently. Develop and make them come true!

Scarcity. The fact that you supply him with resources - is unique by itself. The main secret of scarcity is purposefulness. If you have your own interesting and attractive purpose in life, you become independent of other people’s manipulations. And it is so easy to rule a person, who even does not know what he wants and cannot imbue his life independently! And he is just glad to it.

A wish to become a real “half”, the only necessary person is not exceptionally a woman’s whim: our men are worried with same problems. They also want to be necessary and interesting, and are prepared for anything to make us like them.

“Hi. I’m 36, she’s 34. We have a problem. I came to your site occasionally and found several instructive articles for us both. But I don’t know how to make all recommendations come true and try to change her. Our marriage is falling to pieces. We are married for 6 years already, soon there will be our 7th anniversary, we have a daughter whom I really love. But things are not moving during recent years, we even have been living separately for 6 months, but I could persuade her coming back. Everything started when she went working. I didn’t receive things I received earlier from her: tender words, declarations of love, erotic moments. Everything comes to “hi-bye” and lovemaking under blanket.

Recently I took the whole family to a resort, nothing happened there too. I asked her out to dinner, presented flowers, bought everything she liked, if I could. I even was not jealous of her, did not control where she was. I asked her - she answered: “why should I do anything intentionally, everything should move in a groove.” As for me, I understand relationships should be built and we need to make constant efforts to keep them. I don’t know how to explain this to her. Is divorce the only way out for us?”

Of course, you are right concerning the fact that relationships should be built. But this house’s base should be built on mutual interests. If there’re no mutual interests - there’re no emotions. If there’re no emotions - there’s no sex. Even if relationships firstly can be based only on sex, further spiritual and emotional vacuum will remind of itself surely.

Mutual understanding is better, if you have many things in common. Durability of relationships depends on richness of communication. Communication is richer and less boring, if you have many mutual interests. Probably, things you offer your wife now do not touch sphere of her real interests absolutely, do not correspond her needs and values - you know, they could change with years!

What to do? Try to understand her - what are her stimuli, what does she want? And give her necessary things. You know, some time you felt good together, and you understood each other, it was interesting for you to stay together! You write your relationships changed, when she went working. Probably, your wife wants to realize herself, open her talents and abilities - she’s interested in these things now.

Mutual interest is possible, when there’re areas of common interest - try to become her friend, talk to her about her dreams, wishes. She will be glad to your help and advices on work. Or at least to your interest to things she does. Common cause is a real base for long-term relationships.

You can find it, joining your partner’s businesses, rousing his interest in your goals, finding a new and interesting business for both of you. And this not necessarily should be work or hobby. This way you will be able to return mutual understanding. And increasing mutual understanding, you can increase your value for other person. Mutual understanding creates strong attraction between people, excites feelings and emotions. And then you really don’t need doing anything intentionally - everything goes by itself!

As we can see from following letter - mutual interests and friendship are not enough for a happy marriage. And even mutual understanding cannot help.

“My name’s is Victory, I’m 35. Firstly I married my fellow-student, I was affected by big and light feeling”. Our family life was rough, we quarreled and made it up, sorted out our relationships, like all young couples??¦ my first husband didn’t want to have children, so we parted happily 5 years later. Then there was a sequence of vague affairs, which brought only devastation. I was almost 30, so I understood clearly that I wanted normal serious relationships, family and baby. I got what I wanted. I met a man, who loved with me for a long time, he was my kindred spirit, but we had no intimate relationships. We started living together and soon married. I gave birth to a daughter, long-awaited and loved. But family happiness still has not come.
I really respect and love my husband, but he doesn’t attract me sexually. It always seemed to me that all positive qualities would overcome my physical dislike. I don’t want and will not cheat on him. This is not my case. Of course, he also understands sex with him is like misery for me, but he bears it. And I’m dreaming of him meeting other woman and leaving me for her??¦ what gibberish, eh? My mom says if he leaves me, I will definitely understand the whole depth of this loss, but I know I won’t. The thought that he’s living with an unloving woman torments me, and I’m living my best years without feelings and love pleasures. I feel guilty of giving birth to a baby, and now I want to deprive her of father meaningly, a good father! And there’re no illusions that I will get used to it. It’s 6th year already, nothing changes, everything just becomes worse. There’re no other reasons for conflicts at all! He’s a really wonderful husband. And he’s a real friend to me. But this marriage based on friendship did not bring me happiness. Thank you for any advice.”
A very sad story. You “burned your fingers” on your first marriage, and, to all appearances, decided to protect yourself from unnecessary sufferings, choosing a man, who will give you stability and safety, i.e. a man, whom you feel calm with and who excites no emotions. So, your need in safety was satisfied, and other needs remind of themselves loudly. To feel yourself a happy woman, living up to the hilt, you need to have not only mutual understanding and compatibility with partner, but also mutual sexual attraction. You understand this. But what should you do?

Of course, your determination is necessary here. You can wait for a day when he meets another woman for a long. Moreover, he does not even think about it - he has no stimulus to search for her.

Our life is what happens to us every day. Every day with unloved man and feeling of guilt? And whole life will be like that! I think you both are worthy of better. As for your daughter, the best thing a mother can give to her baby - is being happy herself. Children feel family emotional background very well. A happy mom always brings positive energy, love and joy.

This is the main thing. And you don’t need to part a girl with her father at all. If you have good friendly relations, then you can keep on communicating the same way. Everything depends on your mood and wish to build relations on other level. The most difficult thing is making the first step and taking whole responsibility on you. I.e. admitting the fact you’re independent and can choose. Being ready for temporary troubles. This is your life and only you control it.

How to make it easier, so that not to “understand the depth of this loss”? To avoid being left alone in emptiness, determine all pluses you receive from your relations and think about other sources of all these comforts - both spiritual and material. You should also think about the way to keep friendly terms with your husband.

After you do this, you will give both you and your husband a chance of finding really appropriate partners, who will make your lives really happy and full. This will be honest towards all of you.

But to make this step, you need to be ready for it. When a person is ready for changes, he does not feel sorry for past, he’s interested in future. Changes are impossible without this readiness, or they can be very hard and painful.
And another thing - you should definitely determine a partner you would like to receive in further, considering the fact that we always get what we want. If we want safety - we receive it (often accompanied by boredom), if we want sex - we receive just sex, nothing more. You need to be very careful to your wishes, you know, they can come true!

Think which relationships you would like to have, yes, relationships, not only a partner’s image. What would you like to give and receive instead? Which feelings do you want to experience? You will surely get what you want - you know, any wish already contains mechanism of its realization!