We are all looking for love. And entering into relations with a person, experiencing some strong feelings towards him, we think this is love. If these relationships often cause us pain, we have a representation that love is pain, almost sickness. Indeed, perhaps your relationship are sick. However, most likely they are called not «love», but «dependence».

Relationship secrets

Love - obsession?

Dependence in relations means constant concentration of thoughts on beloved, and dependence on that person. Relationships of dependance determine emotional and physical state of man, his work and relationships with other people. That is, in fact a dependent person’s whole life is defined by these relations. And this relationship affects life not the best way. It makes people unhappy rather than happy.

Love as cure?

Yet, while not completely happy alone, it is these relationships that people link their hopes for happiness with! One hoped that all his mental anguish, self-doubt, all complexes will be cured by love. And the first time, perhaps, it seemed that it happened. But this feeling lasted not long. Conflicts, misunderstanding, resentment of partner and oneself took place. Not noticing that, one suffers even more than while being alone, and there is an inevitable separation and new big pain ahead …

The question of life and death

Why is this happening with a specific person, and the story is repeated in every new relationship? This is because this man is dependent at this stage of his life. The essence of relations of dependence is that dependent person feels inferior, he has to fill himself with Other one, for it is a matter of life and death for him, so he is ready to endure any treatment, just to be close.

Relationship secrets. Do not idolize anyone

But this method never reaches the goal, because it cannot reach it in principle. Dependent relationships are unsaturated. The task of filling ourselves with the help of another person is impossible, because internal integrity, full value can only be achieved through development of personal resources, connection with God. Putting another person in the place of God and serving him do not prevent one’s own failure. Dependence - is rejection of oneself and God.

In these respects, psychological territory of a man is absorbed by psychological territory of another one, losing its sovereignty. Man does not live his own life, but his beloved’s life. There is almost no space for free development of personality.

However, mandatory and continuous development of individual - is a man’s duty. God gave humans unique abilities that distinguish him from all other entities and, while their development, creating a «symphony»: coherent, high society of people. Development and usage of these abilities - talents - is a man’s duty in front God, himself and loved ones.

Dependant people often say: «I live only for him», «I did everything for him». In doing so, they do not understand that the other does not need a victim, it does not satisfy his spiritual needs, as it is caused not by love, but desire to be loved.

In dependent relationships there is no real affinity between spouses, no real confidence. This relationship can be very saturated emotionally, what may be taken for love: «he is jealous - this means he loves me». In dependent relationships people are using each other to meet their unconscious needs.

Relationship secrets. Causes of emotional dependence … They have their roots deep in our childhood. When a child is born, he is in relationship of dependance with his mother. Nature provided symbiotic relationship between mother and child, while they do not feel their isolation from each other. Children who lived through this stage completely, have a good emotional relationship with their parents, received enough love and caring, they are not afraid to explore the world, approach other people easily.

Take this into consideration when bringing up your children and inoculation of skills of love and affection, the last of which are vital, but should be reduced to a minimum.