Life is so unfair! People meet, fall in love with each other, give birth to children, and then divorce. However, children cannot be divided half-and-half!

“Honey, whom do you love more: daddy or mum?” – this foolish, loaded question in happy family conversations becomes quite real dilemma for children during life after divorce. And, as a matter of fact, children never make this choice. Being in the world of childhood, they are compelled to live on the game rules established by the world of adults. Under parental decision they stay with someone, there’s sad truth in their souls: “I love both!”

This is our society, where children stay with mums more often. Majority of children does not see fathers during whole life after divorce. Someone has an opportunity to communicate with daddy only after full age. For someone these meetings pass under the schedule: on the weekend, holidays, vacation. And one can keep close relations with father very seldom. But in any case, children of divorced parents feel they became former for their daddies.

Everyone understands this is wrong! When you watch some movie, it is like a fairy tale! Former husbands and wives maintain remarkable relations, moreover - are on friendly terms with new families, and even spend days off  together! Love has gone, but friendship remained. During life after divorce children unite parents, who parted each other.

Italian culture is remarkable in this sense. Italian fathers never forget their children. It is clear that there are exceptions, but these are only exceptions, and rather rare. And these are not laws of Italian life after divorce that predetermine behaviour of fathers. It is any invisible call of blood that pushes Italian men taking active part in a life of children. They see them not under the schedule, they just cannot live without their children - they miss, worry, feel requirement for dialogue and meetings. Italian fathers provide children from previous marriages by material support not only to full age, but also during all period of study at university. And, if it is necessary, after it, up to the moment while their child finds a work and receives full economic independence. And still Italian father, as a rule, never will forget to mention a son or daughter from previous marriage in the will, though law itself guarantees them inheritance.

* * *
Agree, we just have to dream about similar relation as for life after divorce! And you will be easily convinced of it, if you read what divorced women write on different forums. Here some characteristic citations.

“Yes, of course, all men are different. But there are few reliable, this is the truth, guys, do not take offence. While I lived with my husband, he needed a child, but after divorce he forgot him at once. This was so disgusting. I did not think about any alimony, he could work at one place for no longer than 2 months. I was fed up of searching for him, and decided to count only on myself. When you work, it is more reliable, than  “begging” his alimony”.

“My husband drank. Strongly. At first I suffered, then could not stand anymore – we divorced. Surely, he did not pay alimony in our life after divorce. He even did not remember about his daughter. I even wished to deprive him of parental rights, but changed my mind. And now when a daughter has grown up, she wishes to go to study abroad. I had to search for him, to receive his permission. And here he decided to earn on this permission. Then I already collected all papers and deprived him of paternity without any pity. Certainly, I felt so sorry about our daughter. But it is better to have no father, than bad father.”

“We lived normally, we had love and passion. And then everything started dissapearing somewhere. But for the sake of children I decided not to get divorced. And when I learnt he had a mistress, I could not sustain it any more. We divorced. I cannot reproach him with material point of view, he gives money for children. But he does not meet with them. He says a new wife forbids him. But I think, if he would want this strongly, he would spit on interdictions during life after divorce. He is not a little boy!”

“My husband did a vanishing act, when our baby was only 4 months. I still do not know why he did so. During this time he visited a child only at birthday. He practically gives no money. Sometimes it even reaches a point of irrationality! I asked money for children footwear. He asked: how much boots cost? I named the sum. He says: this is our son, I will give half, and you will add the other one. This is ridiculous and bitter!”

However, most of all I was impressed with results of testing “Life after divorce. Do former husbands need their children?“, placed on one of forums. I did not expect such statistics.

• yes, they need - 11 %
• they need, but, more likely, because of sense of duty - 27%
• they need, but it is too late - 6 %
• they need them, when this is favourable for them - 4 %
• no, they don’t - 52 %

* * *
It would seem, the situation is sad. But at the same time it would be wrong to accuse only men in all. A father’s relations with a child after divorce are in direct dependence on relations of former spouses. And a woman’s behaviour plays here the leading part in life after divorce.

It is possible to affect positive decision of this question, if women observe 5 golden rules of behaviour after divorce:

• “Former husband” does not mean “former father”, because they leave not children, but wife

• do not establish an accurate schedule of a child’s meetings with former husband, feelings cannot be placed in certain frameworks, leave spontaneity in their relations

• do not forbid a child seeing your former husband’s new wife, be not afraid of comparisons, your favour and absence of jealousy will lift your self-estimation both in child’s opinion and your own eyes

• say only good things about  former husband, recollect things you loved him for, otherwise, humiliating him, you simultaneously humiliate yourself

• explain a situation of your life after divorce to a child without emotions, do not burden a child with experiences and do not dramatize divorce at all

Dear women, the situation after divorce depends on you to no small degree!