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«When I was 11 years old, I went to a summer camp. There were people who did not know anything about me, and I could tell anything you like about myself. Not that I told lies about everything at that time, but I exaggerated something. I made my daddy a colonel instead of captain, I named two rooms in a hostel a three-room apartment … I thought out new and new details and could not stop». Andrew is now 47 years, but he recollects this history, as if all occurred yesterday. «I embellished my family’s life, and it helped me (at least for a while) to cease being ashamed of it, feeling more confident».
It seems that lie has a mission: quite often it meets a child’s psychological requirements. Interpreting the world, children learn to understand its laws and nuances. Changing reality, they unconsciously protect themselves from conflicts and disturbing situations, endure them easier, become quieter and happier.
Real illusions
Children’s psychologists and psychotherapists are unanimous that it is impossible to name small children’s lie as inventions. «It is possible to speak about lie, only when a child is capable to distinguish reality and imaginations, — a children’s psychotherapists and psychiatrists explain. — and this ability is formed approximately by six-seven years, to age when zones of a cerebral cortex responsible for comprehension of borders between imagined and the validity ripen». They specify: “For the first time children feel a difference between imaginations and reality at the age from three till six years — during a period, when their “Super-I” starts to be formed. A child learns taking a detached view of himself, comparing his acts with actions of other people, feeling shame and guilty and analyzing their reasons”. For now he lives in the world of games and inventions, reality laws are imperious over him yet. 5-year-old Sam is assured that he lives on a magic island together with Peter Pan, Batman and Spiderman, and 4-year-old Annie likes proving to whole family, having got on a table: “I’m the greatest! I stand not on a table, I stand on my feet!” And they do not say lies, they really trust all these things.
Desire to be pleasant
But here a child becomes older: he already realises how much his words do not represent the facts. Whether it means he will cease telling a lie? Absolutely on the contrary. Conscious distortion of reality allows many children keeping things that are most important for them, — love of parents or other significant seniors for them. Children quite often lie to correspond to our desires. For this reason 12-year-old Rick, despite an obvious smell, unconditionally denies that he smokes, and 10-year-old Kael forges a parental signature in a diary and then explains to a mum that he was afraid in tears, as she threated to send him to a boarding school.
Other reason of children’s lie — desire to avoid punishment. «If a child sees that we are irritated and wait for an answer, if he feels we become angry, he perceives our anger as an attempt to put pressure upon him, and he has a natural desire to lie», — an American psychologist, author of the most known book in the world about psychology of lie, Paul Ekman, explains. But frequently children are afraid not of real consequences of an act (they will abuse, punish …), but of a defenceless feeling “I do not know what to do with it». Having made an offence, a child gets to an unusual situation, — he would like to slip out of it very much, cease being in it. Children’s “It’s not me!”sounds more likely not as an attempt to screen, avoid punishment, but as an aspiration to leave from a difficult situation, avoid these painful feelings.
Children seldom lie for only one reason, usually there is a whole complex of motives: aspiration to avoid punishment, fear of humiliation, unwillingness to appear an informer, protection of companions. Each child can lie once at least to be released from alarm and sensation of fear, and in this sense there is nothing more natural, than children’s lie. But there are also other situations in which parents need to be very attentive and sensitive. Sometimes innocent children’s imagination outgrows borders taken away to it (including age). Having got confused in inventions, which he gives out for the truth, a child appears their captive, and it is difficult for him to cope with situation without adults’ help.
Lying age
Till 3—6 years
A child confuses reality to invented world. He gives out wished for valid, and it is a part of development of his mentality. It is early to tell about lie, as contrasts of the truth.
From 6 till 12 years
In his consciousness there is a border between real and invented. A child experiments with lie possibilities, knowing that his words are false. Parents should remember that lie, especially if it is repeated, can be a signal to more serious problems.
To decipher a message
Many of us can recollect examples of multiseries epic lies which was exposed with shame from own adolescence. A child thinks with fear what will be, when a design created by him will fail, as if a house of cards, and everyone learn the truth.
Children like telling about their imaginations to other people: schoolmates, neighbours, relatives. Listening, those become as though copresent to their stories. And when fiction exists not only in your head, but also in consciousness of other people, it seems the truth to you.
Criteria of true
How children perceive deceit? Psychologists consider that approximately to 7—8-year old age they consider any false statement as lie, irrespective of, whether a person knew that his words do not correspond to true. Only validity of information is important. However, already majority of 8-year-old children (like adults) do not consider a liar the one who has told a lie inadvertently. Majority of schoolboys prefer telling the truth, but when they nevertheless decide to invent, as a rule, it is connected with desire to protect someone from friends or receive some profit. Children use socially comprehensible lie in dialogue with contemporaries, and egoistical (for the sake of own benefit, on purpose to protect themselves or to hide an offence) — in dialogue with mothers more often.
To hear is more important, than to trust
When a child informs he became a victim of violence, a question «to trust or not to trust?» becomes incorrect: if parents follow this rectilinear logic, psychological well-being and destiny of a child appear depending on whether an adult will dare to recognise heard as the truth. Children who are exposed to beating or sexual violence, often remain without protection just because things they told are too painful for them (and listeners), and adults could accept it for something invented … «But this is not the only problem, — a French psychoanalyst Claude Halmos considers. — Our categorical: “I trust you ” or “I do not trust you” assumes that the true is limited to the facts of an objective reality. However the true is as well “true in a head”, true of dream, imagination. Any psychoanalyst can confirm that any imagination is not casual: it is always entered in that circle of problems which a child has faced. What to do? Knowing about complexity of children’s mentality, adults should be beyond infantile and limiting system «I trust — I do not trust» and first of all listen to a child, try to understand what he actually wishes to tell, which problems he tries to express. Both in words, and without words — a sight, a sigh, silence.
Serious or repeating lie does not appear from anywhere, that is why adults should try to understand why a child resorts to it. Actually there is an unconscious attempt to attract attention behind it, request for love and support. “Adults meanwhile often reduce dialogue to a question on observance of rules and obedience, — psychologists say. — Instead of first of all hearing what a child actually wishes to express, they invariably abuse and punish him”. A child is reprimanded that he has little common with real sense of his act. Between adults and children there is a surprising mess which a Hungarian psychoanalyst Sandor Ferenczi named “mess in languages”. If we do not realise sense of a child’s behaviour, will not talk to him about it (”I know you have lied because you wished to please me, did not wish to afflict me”), will not explain the reason of punishment to him (if it follows), we risk to pass by that suffering which hides behind his lie.
The truth in sensations
Quite often adults provoke a child to lie. Children require our support and cooperation with us, it is important to them to feel protected, know that they have a support. Those who does not deceive parents (or did it seldom), feel such communication with adults. On the contrary, those who says lies regularly, quite often do it because atmosphere in a family is constructed on deformed and even manipulative relations, there is no trust atmosphere in it. 34-year-old Alexa, a mum of two children today, recollects: «I said lies because I was afraid of my mum’s reaction. She never understood me, and having found out my lie, always punished. Once I have shouted to her: “It is your fault that I have told lies! “And now I think that was truth”.
«Only from open and fair relations based on sincerity and recognition of a child’s feeling, concept about distinction between true and false is born, — psychologists say. — And it is better, that such interaction has begun since early childhood». Only when parents (both in words, and gestures, mimicry) confirm to a child: «Yes, you are who you are, you feel what you feel», he finds confidence in what he feels, and later and in what he does. It is very important not to confuse his sensations to yours. Not to demand, for example, that he has put on a sweater only because we, parents, are cold … on this basis — on the basis of accuracy of touch perception and trust to sensations — a child learns to realise, tell and receive the truth in an answer.
How to react
Having faced big or small children’s lie, parents appear in confusion: not to pay attention, punish or smile to his words? Here some professional advice.
To trust
The trust is the base on which relations are under construction. «Remember an innocence presumption, — psychologists say. — a child has the right to be respected, and a priori you cannot call his words a lie». Listen to him, do not express your scepticism at once.
To laugh together
It is possible to answer insignificant lie with humour. First of all it concerns small children who do the first attempts to deceive and only start to realise reality and fiction borders. Remaining within the limits of game, we as if speak to a child: «You know that I know». Our humour gives a child a chance to answer also cheerfully. For example, when 5-year-old Jennie asserts that she has washed, and her father sees there are no moisture drops, a remark «surely, you have washed — only with dry water!» forces a girl bursting out laughing. A daddy sends her to wash with «wet water», and the problem is solved.
To estimate consequences
When a child tells a lie for the first time, it is necessary to explain him consequences of this act. Make it alone — intervention of adult should not be associated with humiliation.
To punish for big lie
Answering a question «What will occur if to tell a lie?», children of five-nine years speak about punishment more often. It is a deterrent in this age. For children consequence of their lie (loss of trust of adults or friends, problems at school) are not so obvious, as for parents. «In case of a serious deceit punishment is necessary, — psychologists explain. — our suggestions which have been not supported with the sanction, are equivalent to a violent word». We say that the act will have consequences, but nothing occurs, and children have a question: «Why not to make it again?» Not to break relationships of cause and effect, it is necessary to punish at once and always in compliance with lie scale. Deprivation of pleasures and entertainments, but not that is important for development or a child’s health will be effective.
Not to dramatize
Happened is not a doomsday: after all each of us has told a lie at least once in a life. It is important to know also that so-called pathological lie which demands immediate intervention of adults, is always accompanied by additional signs. Such child lies often, he is raised, his deceit practically is not connected with reception of benefit or attempt to avoid punishment. Besides, quite often he escapes from the house, provokes conflicts at school».
To be consecutive
If, demanding truthfulness, parents contradict each other, if deceit is a natural way of dialogue in a family, a child reproduces this model of relations. He will not have an experience of construction of relations on the basis of honesty and trust. And finally, never lie, as you can provoke children’s lie.
